Grief

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things have been very busy with work and I'm aware that I probably should have posted something by now.

Today's post is going to be about grief - something that has affected all of us in one way or another in our lives and especially during the past year of this pandemic. When we think of grief we tend to think of losing someone. There are other forms of grief though that we may not have necessarily thought of as grief before.

During this pandemic all of our lives have changed. We can't see our loved ones, we can't do what we would normally do on a day to day basis and we are stuck at home. We have lost changes in our normal routines and familiar patterns of behaviour and some of us have tragically lost friends or family due to Covid-19.

Whatever the loss is our mind and body will react to the change. Something or someone that was once there is no longer there. There have been changes and they can be hard to accept and we may be grieving these losses.

Sophia Bush said this about losing her friend and ex - boyfriend Dan Fredinburg in 2015 "There were days I felt like my body had been turned inside out. I felt like my heart was on the outside of my body and everyone who came near me was stabbing me."

These feelings are entirely normal and it's a reaction to a sudden change in our lives. There is no "right" feeling to have or "right" way to grieve, we all go through different emotions and we are all trying to make sense of things in our way, so there is no right or wrong way of doing things. We may become a bit more irritable with people, we may become a bit more closed off, this is completely normal.

One thing that we can all do though is talk. Rio Ferdinand said that he learnt that "talking is so important" after his late wife, Rebecca Ellison passed away. He also added "talking doesn't make the pain go away but it does help."

We've all been through a lot of change over this past year and talking, to a friend, colleague or family member can really help. If we don't talk about it we're just letting the emotions fester inside us and then they come out in unhealthy ways. During times of grief it's important to take care of ourselves physically and mentally. For example, getting a good night's sleep or writing down your feelings or phoning a friend to talk.

It's important to give yourself time. Grief has no time limit and some days may feel better than others and that's ok too. As I said earlier there's no "right" way to grieve. Some of us may cry at what's going on at the moment and the changes that are happening. Others may have their good days and bad days where they feel angry, frustrated and upset. That's ok, no one's journey is the same.

However we cope, t's important to talk and to allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling and not to run away from our emotions and to give ourselves time to grieve the sense of loss.

To find out more about grief, click here. and for helpful contact information and more information about loss and bereavement click here.

Take care and stay safe.

Happy New Year

Happy new year! Although it doesn't feel like it does it. Cases of coronavirus at record highs, record number of deaths and now a third national lockdown. January has not started in the best way.

However in amongst all the negativity it's hard to remember that there is actually hope in amongst the chaos. There are now three vaccines which have been approved for use* and everyday people are getting vaccinated and the more people that get vaccinated, the less power covid -19 has.

It's also important not to focus too much on the negatives. That can be really difficult, especially as whenever you turn on the T.V. there's a depressing new statistic or something bad has happened.

It's important to limit your news intake. We all need to stay informed but too much news, especially at the moment is not a good thing. It's understandable why people want to watch the news constantly, they want to stay on top of things and be abreast of the latest developments. I'm the same. Sometimes I watch more news than I should and all it does is leave me feeling sad about the current state of affairs.

It's important to switch off, focus on something you enjoy, something that makes you feel good, whether it be a good movie, a good book or a hobby of some sort. I start my day by watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "Frasier" in the mornings. It makes me laugh and helps put me in a positive mood for the rest of the day. For a list of mood boosting activities click here.

I also have a look at a website called Good News Network. A website dedicated to just publishing good news and inspiring, positive stories and one which reminds us that not everything is all doom and gloom. It's a great website and if you want to have a look at it click here.

I also came across a lovely quote today 'hope shines brightest in the darkest moments'. I think that's really nice and very apt. Although things may not look so good right now, there is hope and things will return to what we were used to before. This too shall pass.

*correct at time of writing.

Men and Mental Health

Guys this post is for you.

We're not great at talking about our mental health, especially Asian men. I'm not great at it either but I'm getting better at it. In England 1 in 8 men have a common mental health problem. Unsurprisingly however, men are more reluctant to seek help for their problems from family or friends, in fact in 2019 the number of people that did talk, was only 25%.

Why do men keep it all bottled up. Well there are a number of different reasons why men don't talk. The biggest reasons however are probably societal roles and traditional gender roles. Societal expectations are ways society expects men and women to behave.

Traditionally men were seen as hunters and would be the breadwinners in the house and would exert their strength and dominance and control. Over the recent decades this traditional male expectation has stuck around and the definition of what it is to be a man and masculinity have not really evolved.

As a result. because of these expectations, men find it very hard to talk about their mental health and indeed trying to conform to these expectations of what it is to be a man may negatively impact men's mental health. The stats also say that only 36% of men refer themselves to an IAPT (Increasing Access To Psychological Services) service.

That number, 36% is very low when you take into account that 1 in 8 men suffer from a common mental health problem. Not talking is not good. In 2019 around 75% of registered deaths by suicide were men. This is sad, yet unsurprising. If we are not talking and are keeping it bottled up inside we are just letting the problem grow inside us and that is not healthy because then we end up often expressing our things by getting angry or becoming violent or just becoming withdrawn or, sadly, committing suicide.

On the 14th June 2020 Bollywood actor Sushant Singh Rajput was found dead at his home. The cause of his death, he committed suicide. I watched how Sushant's death was covered on the popular Indian news channel NDTV. It shocked me that his mental health was hardly mentioned and I think they only had a brief five minute chat with a psychologist. The rest of the coverage I saw featured lawyers and police officers. Why did Sushant commit suicide they asked when he had a promising career, lots of money, a great marriage? They never took into account his mental health or even looked into what troubles he may have been going through or why he felt he couldn't talk to anyone.

We need to talk. We need to be honest about how we are feeling, we need to know that it's ok not to be ok and that it's good to talk. It may not conform to expectations about what it is to be a man but what it means to be a man needs to be reviewed. The whole "stiff upper lip" and "real men don't cry" sayings are outdated. We need to talk, especially during this time of covid. We are all facing extraordinary circumstances and as a result everyone is under more stress and there's more anxiety. If we don't talk about our mental health then it will just eat away at us.

Time to change has some great tips for men on how they can talk about their mental health which you can find here. It's time to get talking, it's time to start a conversation it might just start with a simple "hey". However you start the conversation, it's clear that we do need to talk.

Stay safe.